Softball Tips
Softball Tips......from the past masters...
The valuable information you can expect to find on this page....
This particular technique has been shown to be amazingly effective by none other than your author. The theory is that to hit the ball really well, you shouldn't actually be able to see it. To this end it is imperative that you remove glasses, contact lenses or any other optical aid before entering the batters box. A little tip, from Mr.Diddly Hitter, is to wear a cap with the visor cunningly tilted to reflect maximum sunlight into your eyes. However, the most crucial component of this swing is to remember not to look at the ball while you swing. Remember, the force is with you. Trust in the force, and you will get more height on your pop-flys than you ever imagined possible.
This technique is a favourite of many of the girls on our team. Here, the object is to plan on going for the walk. Wait till at least 2 juicy strikes pass you by, before even contemplating hitting. Now that we have mentioned the contemplative part, we note that this contemplation should continue during the delivery of the next pitch. Wait until the ball is no more than 6 feet from you, and then convince yourself that you have to swing at it. Bonus points may be obtained if the ball has bounced, is over your head, or you are on a 3-0 count. However, novice hitters should beware of too much ambition in the early stages. The secret of a good ballet swing is as follows: Hold the bat in front of you, so that valuable energy is conserved for your pirouette. Next, hold your arms absolutely steady during the swing, and pivot your body about your back foot, being careful not to transfer any power to the conventional swing. With practice you will be able to achieve multiple turns in the same swing, with the added possibility of decapitating the catcher.
This one is used by certain injured outfielders on our team. The object here is to look as menacing as possible. A good tip, from Mr. Forbairt-Employee, is to have your neighbours dog piss on your cornflakes in the morning. In certain cases this may not be enough and it may be necessary to apply deep heat to the inside of those rugby shorts you used to wear when you were 15. Grey hair is a must for this swing, as the eye-balls popping out look will only get you so far otherwise. Remember, the ball is a weapon. This game has nothing to do with home-runs or even base hits. It is about beating the crap out of a 12" circumference white ball. With application you will find that you can belt this sphere straight at people, pitchers being the easiest target. To really get that menacing look, it may be helpful to have your team-mates smash your knees with a lump-hammer and re-assemble them with black or blue bandages.
This is a swing especially developed by our Canadian R&D department. The secret of the bunged-up swing is to crouch really low in the box (batters box that is) and wear a pained expression on your face. Now with legs spread, and posterior extended at the rear, look towards the pitcher while scrunching your eyes closed. A low-fibre diet with absolutely no bran is recommended for this hitting technique. Waving of the bat over the shoulder is permitted, but only to aid movement. Aspirants should beware that prolonged exposure to this technique may result in hair loss. A further warning is to never attempt this stance with a bad back, as home runs, triples and base hits may result
This is not really a swing in its own right, more a variant of the Jedi swing above. The key difference lies in the preparation and aftermath. Preparation for the Cooper swing involves wearing neon lycra underwear (honest...) and imitating 'Le Petoman'. Practise for this swing by standing in front of the mirror and dropping your 'h's. Other components of the preparation can include being arrested for football hooliganism in Marseilles and referral to great sporting heroes, men of inspiration such as Nigel Mansell & Tim Henman. It is important in the aftermath to look as disgruntled as possible, throw the bat and wander off muttering about the Commonwealth and post-colonial mentalities.
Also known as the Titillation swing, this technique involves distraction of the fielders by flashing them as you enter the batters box. The genius of this method lies in the pretence that you are actually trying to take off a jumper. Of course, as the user of this swing, you will be aware that what you are really doing is 'getting yer tits out for the lads'. A secret tip here is to have a cigarette in your mouth so that the umpires vision is obscured by tobacco smoke. Gaulloises or other noxious polluters are recommended. Just in case, the vision of some of the fielders is obscured, swapping sides in the box (also known as switch-hitting) is desirable.
You have discovered that that is only half the story. Malheureusement, the blighters on the other side may have read this too. So, you have to be tuned up on methods of stopping the ball when it comes waltzing through the infield towards you.
Well, fear not, dear reader....help is at hand....
The idea here is to try and intimidate the opposition, and the ball, and also to grow that mad beard that you have always wanted to grow but 'er-indoors' wouldn't let. This method is therefore most popular for weekend matches where you can sneak out of the house before she knows you haven't shaved. More popular with the guys on the team than the girls, this method also involves having an excuse for every occasion you miss the ball. Apparently the rate of stubble growth can also be increased by wearing seven tracksuits simultaneously. Dedicated exponents of this method have even been known to catch balls with their mouths to generate injury, thus giving them license to go the whole hog for the Ayatollah look.
This method is based around the principle that with enough smoke, the umpires vision may be obscured and he will have to call time before too much damage has occurred. Also known as the GI Joe look, the foremost exponent of which is Jolyn, this method involves dangling a lit cigarette from between your lips. An added bonus of this method is that as a catcher, the batters vision may be obscured. This is known as pro-active fielding. In the event that the ball comes anywhere near you, the recommended course of action is to laugh and retire for a smoke as soon as possible.
This is best practised if you are named after an Enid Blyton character or are from Cork. The thing to bear in mind here, is that all players perform at their optimum when arguing with each other and when flustered. It is your job to aid this process by sighing loudly and staring menacingly every time a mistake is made. It is better still if you can throw your glove, with bonus points for kicking it as well. A top tip, from D. Kavanagh, is to make sure you are the last batter in the previous half-inning. Strike out swinging, and have one of your friends come up and pat you on the chest saying there, there. Bonus points if they have a horrible moustache.
Not to be confused with the Frank Malone Outfield Method, the infield method is specifically designed around the requirements of short-stop play. The thing to remember is that the first base-man is your sworn enemy. It is your job to tease and embarrass him, by throwing balls over, under and around him. This is especially effective with bases loaded and two outs. Indignation when he misses the ball, is not required but is a nice touch. If you can throw side-arm, by all means do so, as this may actually lead the varmint on first to believe he has some chance of catching the ball; that is until it curves away from him.....
This is a method of playing the outfield where you get revenge on those who moved you from the infield. Your modus operendi will be to charge into the infield as soon as the ball is hit. If you can get behind the home plate, or take plays at first base this is even better. You better be fit if you hope to use this method as it involves a lot of running. It is crucial, in order to annoy all the players on the pitch that you shout WAIT !! before every pitch. Even better is what you will do before any girl gets up to bat. Ask, nay bellow, 'Is that a guy or a girl'. This is guaranteed to give the poor batter a complex about their looks and/or sexuality. Of course there is a chance that they might react by belting the ball over your head, but that is surely a risk worth taking.
This is a method that requires extreme concentration. What you must remember is that as an outfielder, it is your job to remain motionless. This is really a game of statues and the trigger for you to stop moving is when the ball clears the infield. Some waving of your arm is acceptable however. Be warned that there will be many distractions, such as a leather ball whizzing through the air, team-mates shouting 'Back !!' and the opposition shouting to their base-runners 'She's going to drop it......go go...score !!'. The top exponents of this method are able to shut out all these distractions and stay rooted to the spot until the ball lands. Then you are allowed to move again. It is polite to say 'Shit !!' at this point. Keep moving until the next time the ball is hit, and you are on your way....
Be blond...smoking is good too.
Your job as an outfielder is to keep the crowd entertained. Suggested party tricks include catching the ball behind your back, between your legs or with your eyes closed. You must look cool at all times. A top tip, from A. Bank-Employee, is to encroach on the infield, by standing directly behind second base when the ball is hit. You will need will-power here as mere mortals will try to tell you to 'play deeper'. Huh !! What do they know.....Admittedly, when adopting this field position, you may give up a few catches over your head.......but hey..this is show business. A further fun game is: 'Tease the Runner'. The object here is to catch the ball, and then turn to smile at the tagged-up runners on base. On no account throw the ball until the runner is almost at the next base. Then launch the ball as fast as you possibly can. Remember that the crowd love it when you can bounce the ball off your fielders glove into foul territory.
A metaphysical strategy which involves the runner entering a trance like state immediately upon leaving the base. This has the effect of transporting the runner to a lunar environment. One can only admire the mental effort required to run all the way from one base to (usually) within 10 yards of the next base as if a sack of spuds is tied to each leg. It is indeed an impressive achievement given the length of time this trance like state must be maintained for this event to take place. This strategy, which takes 4 years of practice - season in and season out - is favoured by female runners who generally bring a more cerebral approach to all aspects of softball. A telltale sign of a practitioner of this strategy is the exclamation of 'I'll slide next time' when within 10 yards of second base.
/Tips: Practice in a zero gravity environment. If this is not available near you, just make sure to disregard all malign influences such as coaches, better players, etc. This being a social kinda game, ensure that you help the other lot to tag you by moving sloth-like, but upright towards the base. Giving them a second chance by over-'running' the base, exclaiming 'ooooh' and slow-stepping it back, is considered sporting./
A strategy perfected by nurses and advertising executives (is there a link ?) after reaching first base. For success in this approach it is essential that a first base coach with a loud voice and firm grasp of the rules of softball be standing with his or her mouth level with the ear of the base runner at a separation of less than a metre. Upon the batter hitting a pop up to centre field, the base coach screaming tag up - the 3 monkey's practitioner, on hearing bat on ball contact, jams in 2 ear plugs, covers both eyes with both hands and takes off usually arriving in the vicinity of second base as the ball is caught. If the timing has been worked on enough, by the time the third monkey has uncovered the eyes, removed the earplugs and turned back towards first, they will be exactly 10 yards when out at first. Spookily enough this is exactly the same distance that Neil Armstrong practitioner will be from first base at the same time he was out. While walking back a third monkey can often be heard to say in passing to apoplectic the base coach 'I didn't hear you'. The three in 3 monkeys also refers to the hatrick of outs achieved in this manner which is the current record.
Softball is gentle sport which is for all shapes and sizes. Its non-contact nature encourages participants from all levels of sporting achievement. The Dayton Agreement method is a reflection of that sporting ethos. Put simply, it involves running down the bases like a bat out of hell while intimidating the hell out of the opposition in field by approaching a base in a horizontal posture with cleats leading the way. (A subtle variation is the leading with the knee at groin height approach). In essence it is a way of bringing back the feel good factor to the game - it sure feels good to see how high infielders can go. This method fosters conviviality and dialogue as evidenced by the way that Dayton Agreement supporters are pointed at and talked to in the pub afterwards and subsequently in blitzes.
/Tips: Be old (really old...and grey), or alternatively fat and bald (the legal eagle look as it is known). Get as much practice as you can, especially by going to foreign blitzes where they won't know you. Be sporting in all your non-muttered asides. Polite examples include 'Let him pitch to you ! He couldn't hit a barn with a basketball today' or 'He's lost it...he's a loser...give him something to strike out with'/
A well loved and respected pitcher throughout the entire league. His aura of rustic charm is emphasised by his lack of understanding of the meaning of the word barber. His ragged hairstyle and straggely 'tache have lead him to be known as the loveable hobo. His sportsmanship is legendary and only rarely does he question a blue's decision revealing a gravely accented voice (ruined by years of meths drinking in railway carriages in Heuston) and teeth browned by "baccy" juice. Rumour has it that he will be expatriated to his native Canada once the psychiatric assessment has been completed to the satisfaction of the relevant authorities.
A pitcher who tends to make an appearance when the mystic pitcher has gone to a higher plane. He is noted for his good manners, the result of years of schooling by a well known religious order in Dublin 4. "Dreadfully sorry about that strike old boy", "Oops, didn't mean to make you strike at that awful ball" and "Better luck next time, old bean" emanate from this cravated and well groomed of young professionals. A credit to his mummy.
The mystic pitcher is a well rounded student of the noble art of softball. A man who prides himself on his understanding of the effect of cross winds on a pitch, the variation of spin necessary to swing the ball across the plate over the last few yards of the pitch. A man who can always throw a pitch on demand after tossing the most unbelievable junk. However, he is known as the mystic pitcher because at certain precise times in the season he goes on retreat to a higher plane to contemplate the Zen softball, the highest level that can be obtained. Strangely, these retreats always coincide with Blazzers fixtures against the dreaded Marlay Martyrs with correspondingly dreadful scorelines.
Sadly departed from the league, but once most popular amongst first division teams the controversial NOLO method followed the time honoured tradition of picking your boss as the pitcher. True to current trends he was also the biggest tosser on the team. However, the NOLO pitcher had an almost Zen like self-belief that if he concentrated very hard and wore a bandanna that the opposition would be completely incapable of hitting one of his pitches. This excellent method in theory, was fatally flawed by the complete mental breakdown associated with a successful hit of one or more of his pitches. The next step was to pretend to pitch in the hope that the batter would swing and the umpire call a strike. This did not work too often with the exception of games umpired by Mika. As relegation loomed and early cup exits to bottom feeders from league division 3 plagued the team, the NOLO pitcher extended his tactics to the hitting side. This involved groping first base's posterior after hitting into a 6-5-4 double play, but the results were not successful as first baseman KOK turns out to be straight. (Despite the pink hat, San Francisco address and totally dodgy look at the running of the bulls in Pamplona 1972). The advice that the NOBO 'get the fuck as far away from me as possible or else' was duly followed, and the league is a saddened place.
How can you cap this method of umpiring perfection - when you have peaked there is only one way to go. Getting there is, of course another matter. It helps enormously to have the utmost faith and confidence in your own ability when all about you are losing their's. Nonetheless, there is the suspicion that such perfection is not of this earth. In fact, it has been rumoured that only an alien life form could make such flawless decisions yet look so strange (the death's head grin, the slightly green skin, the yellow eyes, the tortured diction, the ) and that fact this umpire has no thumbs. Could be a case for fat carrot headed bird and the weirdo - cue flashing lights, eerie music, fadeout. Just like the movies. Speaking of fat carrot headed birds - You know those women drivers, -1.75,-1.75 vision, those who are too vain to wear the spectacles they so badly need, whom, despite the size of their generous mouth still manage to get lipstick all over their face while cornering in third in a 1.0 l micra. Not many teams realise that such is their fondness for gardening that they remain rooted to a distant point behind home plate. However, their multitude of faults are more than compensated for by a more vivid than average imagination. In the same way that Kevin (Prettier than grazing buffalo) Costner lost his marbles and played ball with his dead pop, these stars are blueing in their own field of dreams in which any call based on reality is purely accidental.
One more than either you or the umpire have, otherwise he would have called that a strike.
Yes, you eejit, that WAS a strike. You better hope he throws another one.
That was the one you should have hit, you blind F**k
If it doesn't bounce before it reaches you, you had better swing
Well, it's nice to see that this ump is a blind cretin.
Hope that the pitcher screws up, cos you won't get on base any other way
You have managed the not inconsiderable achievement of hitting the ball into the 5% of the available space that has a fielder in it, you stupid moron.
Good god, the shagging ball is the size of a grapefruit. How can you miss.
You should practice hitting a cows arse with a tennis racket. You might make contact there.
Nothing to do with acne, this is a wish that the ball ends up somewhere useful
If I can see that it is going to be caught, why can't you, you spa.
You're so slow that you're really fu**ed if they drop it.
They haven't heard of the outfield and are playing 10 infielders. See if you can hit it that far.
By the law of averages, one of you gobshites must be able to hit the ball
The next batter is crap, so we're keeping our fingers crossed here
Wouldn't it be great if we could do one thing right this time
God help us if he can
No reason why this run of good luck with the umpires calls can't continue
Just our luck to be stuck with an incompetent like you
Everything else has failed, lets just hope
What has happened to all our batters. Now lets see if we can get any of them out
A plan would be nice/Infielders are morons.
Bases here, ball there, your move/Outfielders are morons.
- Hitting Techniques
- Fielding - Infield Techniques
- Fielding - Outfield Techniques
- Base Running
- Pitching
- Umpiring
- The Vocabulary
Hitting Techniques
Hitting is the primary skill of softball and as such it is imperative to practice it as you hope to do it in a game. Some techniques of our star hitters are given below, along with some suggestions for bringing their secrets to your game via targeted training.The Knights of the Jedi Swing
This particular technique has been shown to be amazingly effective by none other than your author. The theory is that to hit the ball really well, you shouldn't actually be able to see it. To this end it is imperative that you remove glasses, contact lenses or any other optical aid before entering the batters box. A little tip, from Mr.Diddly Hitter, is to wear a cap with the visor cunningly tilted to reflect maximum sunlight into your eyes. However, the most crucial component of this swing is to remember not to look at the ball while you swing. Remember, the force is with you. Trust in the force, and you will get more height on your pop-flys than you ever imagined possible.
Training Tips: Call yourself Obi-Wan, watch lots of Star Wars movies, give up drinking carrot juice.
The Nijinsky Swing
This technique is a favourite of many of the girls on our team. Here, the object is to plan on going for the walk. Wait till at least 2 juicy strikes pass you by, before even contemplating hitting. Now that we have mentioned the contemplative part, we note that this contemplation should continue during the delivery of the next pitch. Wait until the ball is no more than 6 feet from you, and then convince yourself that you have to swing at it. Bonus points may be obtained if the ball has bounced, is over your head, or you are on a 3-0 count. However, novice hitters should beware of too much ambition in the early stages. The secret of a good ballet swing is as follows: Hold the bat in front of you, so that valuable energy is conserved for your pirouette. Next, hold your arms absolutely steady during the swing, and pivot your body about your back foot, being careful not to transfer any power to the conventional swing. With practice you will be able to achieve multiple turns in the same swing, with the added possibility of decapitating the catcher.
Training Tips: Call yourself Al Lawlor, get some really jangly keys for your pocket, be a girl.
The Psycho Swing
This one is used by certain injured outfielders on our team. The object here is to look as menacing as possible. A good tip, from Mr. Forbairt-Employee, is to have your neighbours dog piss on your cornflakes in the morning. In certain cases this may not be enough and it may be necessary to apply deep heat to the inside of those rugby shorts you used to wear when you were 15. Grey hair is a must for this swing, as the eye-balls popping out look will only get you so far otherwise. Remember, the ball is a weapon. This game has nothing to do with home-runs or even base hits. It is about beating the crap out of a 12" circumference white ball. With application you will find that you can belt this sphere straight at people, pitchers being the easiest target. To really get that menacing look, it may be helpful to have your team-mates smash your knees with a lump-hammer and re-assemble them with black or blue bandages.
Tips: Be really old (33 is a good start), fly to tournaments in other countries on your own (the element of surprise), say 'bollox' a lot.
The Constipated Swing
This is a swing especially developed by our Canadian R&D department. The secret of the bunged-up swing is to crouch really low in the box (batters box that is) and wear a pained expression on your face. Now with legs spread, and posterior extended at the rear, look towards the pitcher while scrunching your eyes closed. A low-fibre diet with absolutely no bran is recommended for this hitting technique. Waving of the bat over the shoulder is permitted, but only to aid movement. Aspirants should beware that prolonged exposure to this technique may result in hair loss. A further warning is to never attempt this stance with a bad back, as home runs, triples and base hits may result
Tips: Watch Jesus of Montreal a few times, spit when you hear 'God Save the Queen', shout 'Allez Quebec' upon contact with the ball.
The Cooper-man Swing
This is not really a swing in its own right, more a variant of the Jedi swing above. The key difference lies in the preparation and aftermath. Preparation for the Cooper swing involves wearing neon lycra underwear (honest...) and imitating 'Le Petoman'. Practise for this swing by standing in front of the mirror and dropping your 'h's. Other components of the preparation can include being arrested for football hooliganism in Marseilles and referral to great sporting heroes, men of inspiration such as Nigel Mansell & Tim Henman. It is important in the aftermath to look as disgruntled as possible, throw the bat and wander off muttering about the Commonwealth and post-colonial mentalities.
Tips: Watch East Enders, eat beans, shout 'Farkin Ell' after missing the ball.
The Patricia the Stripper Swing
Also known as the Titillation swing, this technique involves distraction of the fielders by flashing them as you enter the batters box. The genius of this method lies in the pretence that you are actually trying to take off a jumper. Of course, as the user of this swing, you will be aware that what you are really doing is 'getting yer tits out for the lads'. A secret tip here is to have a cigarette in your mouth so that the umpires vision is obscured by tobacco smoke. Gaulloises or other noxious polluters are recommended. Just in case, the vision of some of the fielders is obscured, swapping sides in the box (also known as switch-hitting) is desirable.
Tips: Watch Showgirls, Read the screen-play from Basic Instinct, pretend your car won't start when in fact you were too locked to drive.
Fielding - Infield Techniques
Well ok....you have followed the sterling advice above....and guess what?You have discovered that that is only half the story. Malheureusement, the blighters on the other side may have read this too. So, you have to be tuned up on methods of stopping the ball when it comes waltzing through the infield towards you.
Well, fear not, dear reader....help is at hand....
The 5 O'Clock Shadow Method
The idea here is to try and intimidate the opposition, and the ball, and also to grow that mad beard that you have always wanted to grow but 'er-indoors' wouldn't let. This method is therefore most popular for weekend matches where you can sneak out of the house before she knows you haven't shaved. More popular with the guys on the team than the girls, this method also involves having an excuse for every occasion you miss the ball. Apparently the rate of stubble growth can also be increased by wearing seven tracksuits simultaneously. Dedicated exponents of this method have even been known to catch balls with their mouths to generate injury, thus giving them license to go the whole hog for the Ayatollah look.
Tips: Use Miracle-gro instead of soap when washing your face, leave the pub no later than 10 pm as your Alfa may turn into a pumpkin (Lada owners need to more careful as your contraption may turn into a turnip), wear lots of tracksuits to stimulate facial hair growth.
The Papal Vote Method
This method is based around the principle that with enough smoke, the umpires vision may be obscured and he will have to call time before too much damage has occurred. Also known as the GI Joe look, the foremost exponent of which is Jolyn, this method involves dangling a lit cigarette from between your lips. An added bonus of this method is that as a catcher, the batters vision may be obscured. This is known as pro-active fielding. In the event that the ball comes anywhere near you, the recommended course of action is to laugh and retire for a smoke as soon as possible.
Tips: Contact Marlboro for financial support, make Butch your doctor, don't run....ever...you risk breathing air without nicotine in it.
The Calming Influence Method
This is best practised if you are named after an Enid Blyton character or are from Cork. The thing to bear in mind here, is that all players perform at their optimum when arguing with each other and when flustered. It is your job to aid this process by sighing loudly and staring menacingly every time a mistake is made. It is better still if you can throw your glove, with bonus points for kicking it as well. A top tip, from D. Kavanagh, is to make sure you are the last batter in the previous half-inning. Strike out swinging, and have one of your friends come up and pat you on the chest saying there, there. Bonus points if they have a horrible moustache.
Tips: Practice colorful language, especially words like langer. At away blitzes, feel free to adorn the garden with kitchen utensils, preferably by de-fenestration. Make sure the combined age in your bed is in three figures at all tournaments. Go to the USA thin and come back fat.
The Frank Malone Infield Method
Not to be confused with the Frank Malone Outfield Method, the infield method is specifically designed around the requirements of short-stop play. The thing to remember is that the first base-man is your sworn enemy. It is your job to tease and embarrass him, by throwing balls over, under and around him. This is especially effective with bases loaded and two outs. Indignation when he misses the ball, is not required but is a nice touch. If you can throw side-arm, by all means do so, as this may actually lead the varmint on first to believe he has some chance of catching the ball; that is until it curves away from him.....
Tips: Wear contact lenses which make people look ten feet tall, this way you are guaranteed to throw it over their heads. Have an enlightened attitude on the role of women in society. Use other peoples cigarettes to clean your ears. Remember, always remember...that guy next to you could a goddamn fag.
Fielding - Outfield Techniques
Some cads on other teams have been known to actually hit the ball beyond an infield just to try and get on base......sad I know...but trust me, I've seen it happen...once or twice. Well, here are some tips of the trade to restore things to their natural equilibrium.The Frank Malone Outfield Method
This is a method of playing the outfield where you get revenge on those who moved you from the infield. Your modus operendi will be to charge into the infield as soon as the ball is hit. If you can get behind the home plate, or take plays at first base this is even better. You better be fit if you hope to use this method as it involves a lot of running. It is crucial, in order to annoy all the players on the pitch that you shout WAIT !! before every pitch. Even better is what you will do before any girl gets up to bat. Ask, nay bellow, 'Is that a guy or a girl'. This is guaranteed to give the poor batter a complex about their looks and/or sexuality. Of course there is a chance that they might react by belting the ball over your head, but that is surely a risk worth taking.
Tips: Wear contact lenses which make people look ten feet tall, this way you are guaranteed to throw it over their heads. Have an enlightened attitude on the role of women in society. Use other peoples cigarettes to clean your ears. Remember, always remember...that guy next to you could a goddamn fag.
The Statues Method
This is a method that requires extreme concentration. What you must remember is that as an outfielder, it is your job to remain motionless. This is really a game of statues and the trigger for you to stop moving is when the ball clears the infield. Some waving of your arm is acceptable however. Be warned that there will be many distractions, such as a leather ball whizzing through the air, team-mates shouting 'Back !!' and the opposition shouting to their base-runners 'She's going to drop it......go go...score !!'. The top exponents of this method are able to shut out all these distractions and stay rooted to the spot until the ball lands. Then you are allowed to move again. It is polite to say 'Shit !!' at this point. Keep moving until the next time the ball is hit, and you are on your way....
Tips: Understand that training has nothing to with matches. Its only purpose is to discuss the latest episode of friends or who did what to whom. However be careful to leave enough unsaid to have a ready-made distraction for match-day, otherwise you will only have that softball thing to occupy your mind.
Be blond...smoking is good too.
The Buzz Lightyear Method
Your job as an outfielder is to keep the crowd entertained. Suggested party tricks include catching the ball behind your back, between your legs or with your eyes closed. You must look cool at all times. A top tip, from A. Bank-Employee, is to encroach on the infield, by standing directly behind second base when the ball is hit. You will need will-power here as mere mortals will try to tell you to 'play deeper'. Huh !! What do they know.....Admittedly, when adopting this field position, you may give up a few catches over your head.......but hey..this is show business. A further fun game is: 'Tease the Runner'. The object here is to catch the ball, and then turn to smile at the tagged-up runners on base. On no account throw the ball until the runner is almost at the next base. Then launch the ball as fast as you possibly can. Remember that the crowd love it when you can bounce the ball off your fielders glove into foul territory.
Tips: Training is not optional. It is forbidden. Knowing your team could lead to all sorts of catastrophic risks, such as them actually having an inkling what you are going to do or vice versa. Likewise, never be on time for a game as the same risks are present.
Base Running
Sometimes, just sometimes.....all of the above may lead to you getting on base. When you do.....don't panic.....just follow the simple steps below and we'll get you home.Neil Armstrong Method
A metaphysical strategy which involves the runner entering a trance like state immediately upon leaving the base. This has the effect of transporting the runner to a lunar environment. One can only admire the mental effort required to run all the way from one base to (usually) within 10 yards of the next base as if a sack of spuds is tied to each leg. It is indeed an impressive achievement given the length of time this trance like state must be maintained for this event to take place. This strategy, which takes 4 years of practice - season in and season out - is favoured by female runners who generally bring a more cerebral approach to all aspects of softball. A telltale sign of a practitioner of this strategy is the exclamation of 'I'll slide next time' when within 10 yards of second base.
/Tips: Practice in a zero gravity environment. If this is not available near you, just make sure to disregard all malign influences such as coaches, better players, etc. This being a social kinda game, ensure that you help the other lot to tag you by moving sloth-like, but upright towards the base. Giving them a second chance by over-'running' the base, exclaiming 'ooooh' and slow-stepping it back, is considered sporting./
3 Monkeys Method
A strategy perfected by nurses and advertising executives (is there a link ?) after reaching first base. For success in this approach it is essential that a first base coach with a loud voice and firm grasp of the rules of softball be standing with his or her mouth level with the ear of the base runner at a separation of less than a metre. Upon the batter hitting a pop up to centre field, the base coach screaming tag up - the 3 monkey's practitioner, on hearing bat on ball contact, jams in 2 ear plugs, covers both eyes with both hands and takes off usually arriving in the vicinity of second base as the ball is caught. If the timing has been worked on enough, by the time the third monkey has uncovered the eyes, removed the earplugs and turned back towards first, they will be exactly 10 yards when out at first. Spookily enough this is exactly the same distance that Neil Armstrong practitioner will be from first base at the same time he was out. While walking back a third monkey can often be heard to say in passing to apoplectic the base coach 'I didn't hear you'. The three in 3 monkeys also refers to the hatrick of outs achieved in this manner which is the current record.
Tips: Practice ignoring useful advice at all junctures. Have a lobotomy (where applicable). Remember, the rule book is a banned text. Suspect everyone, especially coaches and opposition of duplicity and dissimilation in all they do....theirs is the work of Satan.
Dayton Agreement
Softball is gentle sport which is for all shapes and sizes. Its non-contact nature encourages participants from all levels of sporting achievement. The Dayton Agreement method is a reflection of that sporting ethos. Put simply, it involves running down the bases like a bat out of hell while intimidating the hell out of the opposition in field by approaching a base in a horizontal posture with cleats leading the way. (A subtle variation is the leading with the knee at groin height approach). In essence it is a way of bringing back the feel good factor to the game - it sure feels good to see how high infielders can go. This method fosters conviviality and dialogue as evidenced by the way that Dayton Agreement supporters are pointed at and talked to in the pub afterwards and subsequently in blitzes.
/Tips: Be old (really old...and grey), or alternatively fat and bald (the legal eagle look as it is known). Get as much practice as you can, especially by going to foreign blitzes where they won't know you. Be sporting in all your non-muttered asides. Polite examples include 'Let him pitch to you ! He couldn't hit a barn with a basketball today' or 'He's lost it...he's a loser...give him something to strike out with'/
Pitching
The Hojo
A well loved and respected pitcher throughout the entire league. His aura of rustic charm is emphasised by his lack of understanding of the meaning of the word barber. His ragged hairstyle and straggely 'tache have lead him to be known as the loveable hobo. His sportsmanship is legendary and only rarely does he question a blue's decision revealing a gravely accented voice (ruined by years of meths drinking in railway carriages in Heuston) and teeth browned by "baccy" juice. Rumour has it that he will be expatriated to his native Canada once the psychiatric assessment has been completed to the satisfaction of the relevant authorities.
Tips: Be called Michael. Be popular (failing this play for Marlay).
The Ian Carmichael Style
A pitcher who tends to make an appearance when the mystic pitcher has gone to a higher plane. He is noted for his good manners, the result of years of schooling by a well known religious order in Dublin 4. "Dreadfully sorry about that strike old boy", "Oops, didn't mean to make you strike at that awful ball" and "Better luck next time, old bean" emanate from this cravated and well groomed of young professionals. A credit to his mummy.
Tips: Drink in Kielys. Declare it your favorite pub. Be a nob(NB. One of the above three is superfluous...)
Mystic Pitcher
The mystic pitcher is a well rounded student of the noble art of softball. A man who prides himself on his understanding of the effect of cross winds on a pitch, the variation of spin necessary to swing the ball across the plate over the last few yards of the pitch. A man who can always throw a pitch on demand after tossing the most unbelievable junk. However, he is known as the mystic pitcher because at certain precise times in the season he goes on retreat to a higher plane to contemplate the Zen softball, the highest level that can be obtained. Strangely, these retreats always coincide with Blazzers fixtures against the dreaded Marlay Martyrs with correspondingly dreadful scorelines.
Tips: The path to true enlightenment is neither smooth nor straight. Persevere and you shall attain the higher plane. Check your softball calendar carefully.
The NOLO method.
Sadly departed from the league, but once most popular amongst first division teams the controversial NOLO method followed the time honoured tradition of picking your boss as the pitcher. True to current trends he was also the biggest tosser on the team. However, the NOLO pitcher had an almost Zen like self-belief that if he concentrated very hard and wore a bandanna that the opposition would be completely incapable of hitting one of his pitches. This excellent method in theory, was fatally flawed by the complete mental breakdown associated with a successful hit of one or more of his pitches. The next step was to pretend to pitch in the hope that the batter would swing and the umpire call a strike. This did not work too often with the exception of games umpired by Mika. As relegation loomed and early cup exits to bottom feeders from league division 3 plagued the team, the NOLO pitcher extended his tactics to the hitting side. This involved groping first base's posterior after hitting into a 6-5-4 double play, but the results were not successful as first baseman KOK turns out to be straight. (Despite the pink hat, San Francisco address and totally dodgy look at the running of the bulls in Pamplona 1972). The advice that the NOBO 'get the fuck as far away from me as possible or else' was duly followed, and the league is a saddened place.
Umpiring
To Cap It All
How can you cap this method of umpiring perfection - when you have peaked there is only one way to go. Getting there is, of course another matter. It helps enormously to have the utmost faith and confidence in your own ability when all about you are losing their's. Nonetheless, there is the suspicion that such perfection is not of this earth. In fact, it has been rumoured that only an alien life form could make such flawless decisions yet look so strange (the death's head grin, the slightly green skin, the yellow eyes, the tortured diction, the ) and that fact this umpire has no thumbs. Could be a case for fat carrot headed bird and the weirdo - cue flashing lights, eerie music, fadeout. Just like the movies. Speaking of fat carrot headed birds - You know those women drivers, -1.75,-1.75 vision, those who are too vain to wear the spectacles they so badly need, whom, despite the size of their generous mouth still manage to get lipstick all over their face while cornering in third in a 1.0 l micra. Not many teams realise that such is their fondness for gardening that they remain rooted to a distant point behind home plate. However, their multitude of faults are more than compensated for by a more vivid than average imagination. In the same way that Kevin (Prettier than grazing buffalo) Costner lost his marbles and played ball with his dead pop, these stars are blueing in their own field of dreams in which any call based on reality is purely accidental.
The Vocabulary
One of the interesting things about the game of softball is the strange things the participants say to each other. Here is a list of some of the common ones and what they actually mean:Good Eye
One more than either you or the umpire have, otherwise he would have called that a strike.
Wait for your pitch
Yes, you eejit, that WAS a strike. You better hope he throws another one.
Now you've seen it
That was the one you should have hit, you blind F**k
Gotta be good now
If it doesn't bounce before it reaches you, you had better swing
Way to wait for your pitch
Well, it's nice to see that this ump is a blind cretin.
Take the walk if its going
Hope that the pitcher screws up, cos you won't get on base any other way
Good contact
You have managed the not inconsiderable achievement of hitting the ball into the 5% of the available space that has a fielder in it, you stupid moron.
Good swing
Good god, the shagging ball is the size of a grapefruit. How can you miss.
Hard luck, that was a tricky pitch
You should practice hitting a cows arse with a tennis racket. You might make contact there.
Pick your spot
Nothing to do with acne, this is a wish that the ball ends up somewhere useful
Tag up
If I can see that it is going to be caught, why can't you, you spa.
Take a few steps
You're so slow that you're really fu**ed if they drop it.
Show them where you live
They haven't heard of the outfield and are playing 10 infielders. See if you can hit it that far.
Base hit
By the law of averages, one of you gobshites must be able to hit the ball
Keep it out of the infield
The next batter is crap, so we're keeping our fingers crossed here
Lets turn two here
Wouldn't it be great if we could do one thing right this time
Make him pitch to you
God help us if he can
The pressures on him
No reason why this run of good luck with the umpires calls can't continue
Thats ok. Take the next one
Just our luck to be stuck with an incompetent like you
Concentrate
Everything else has failed, lets just hope
One out at a time
What has happened to all our batters. Now lets see if we can get any of them out
Lets hear the call
A plan would be nice/Infielders are morons.
Lets get it in early
Bases here, ball there, your move/Outfielders are morons.