Jokes

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How to wash a cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both the seat and lid lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the seat and lid. (You may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape.)
CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANY SURFACE THEY CAN FIND.
NOTE: THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM THE TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift the seat and lid.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG

Old Dogs

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Sounding like a frog

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

The salesman

A salesman knocks on a farmer's door and says, "I notice you have some milkweed growing alongside the road. Do you mind if I get myself some milk?"
The farmer thinks the guy is nuts, but says "Son, if you can get milk out of my milkweed, take all you can carry".
An hour later the salesman leaves carrying 2 gallons of milk.
A couple of weeks later the same salesman knocks on the same farmers door and says, "Sir, I notice you have some strawberrys growing in the field by the road. Do you mind if I get myself some straw from them?"
The salesman looks at him bewildered, and says "Straw from strawberries??? If you can get any straw from them strawberrys go right ahead".
An hour later the salesman leaves carrying 2 bales of hay.
A couple more weeks go by and again the salesman knocks on the farmers door.
The farmer is a bit annoyed, but asks what he can do for him.
The salesman says, "Sir, I notice you have some pussywillow growing in the field beside the road"
The farmer stops him right there and says, "Hold on son, let me get my hat".

Jackass

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop Calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello."
I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just Dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling; "You can't just do that, Buddy. I Was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.
I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.
It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me.
Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call.
Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1 A man answered nicely saying "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.